The Promise

It was April 14th of last year that turned out to be for me, the start of a whole new beautiful life. Everything changed. My husband of forty years had left for heaven at the end of 2022. He was a kind, big-hearted man that never met a stranger. He and the Lord are the biggest reasons I am who I am. He left a beautiful legacy, and I am just one of the many lives he impacted.

Prior to his passing, I had grieved for approximately three long, dark years. Then on April 1st, it felt as if the sun began to come out. Peeking through the clouds, I felt the warmth on my skin like I had rarely experienced. I woke up to an expectancy and excitement for my future, and an uncontainable joy that noticeably bubbled over. I had abundant peace throughout. Now, the joy has turned to laughter that cannot be contained. At that point, I decided to take some time to see if the Lord would reveal to me His plan forward, because I didn’t want my own. I sat on the beach for a few days alone to seek the Lord. I had no agenda, only to do what I had always done; to love the Lord and do His work. I had a picture of my future as Anna at the altar (Luke 2:36-37). A widow in my old(er) age doing the stuff. I’d told this to my sisters and family more than once, regarding when it was, well, just me. Little did I know God was about to make all things new.

On that trip, I had a dream. In a condo on Fort Walton Beach, Florida, toes in the sand and tears flowing, I pondered the dream.  In it, I found myself at a travel agency, sitting at a table with brochures in hand. I was being asked to move to Danville, Kentucky. Interestingly, I made a case for moving back to Florida instead. I had a choice. We always have a choice.

In reality, I thought, perhaps I’ll retire sometime in the next few years, and move to be near grands in D.C. Or, perhaps to Florida, my home state and where a lot of my precious family live. I didn’t understand the dream, nor what the Lord was saying. I receive dreams often and understand how God speaks to me through them most of the time, but this one was a puzzle. My late husband and I had a five-year season in Danville prior to 2010. It was a place we truly loved and talked of as the best season we’d ever had regarding “community” at Cornerstone Assembly of God and the ministry of Isaiah House. The CAG pastor and his wife were dear to our heart, a lovely couple, and the people likewise were very special to us. We had kept in touch with several folks, and other than that, the dream didn’t make sense. So, I shelved it.

Back at work in Tennessee, about the third week in May, the Lord continued the initial conversation regarding Danville and Cornerstone. The word “cornerstone” came up several times that week. At a weekly work staff meeting, my coworker/financial advisor friend began talking about Jesus as the Chief Cornerstone out of the blue. At the time, I thought it odd. The next day, a business card appeared sitting on my desk with a local business named Cornerstone regarding some office work we needed.

I noticed on social media that Cornerstone Assembly of God in Danville was having its annual Memorial Day Picnic. My late husband and I had attended every one of them in our prior years, and it had always been a great time of fellowship and fun. I then reached out to friends to see if we could meet up. Even more unusual, I noticed a comment of Tom’s on Facebook that struck me. We hadn’t connected with the Lane’s in years. I mentioned to him that I was thinking of attending the service that weekend and asked if he was preaching. He said yes, he was, and asked if I’d like to have lunch to catch up after the service. I said… um… sure.

Regarding my new singleness/widowhood, I purposely did not get on any dating sites. I told the Lord if He had someone for me, He would have to message me because I was not interested in the whole commercial/superficial (how it felt to me) dating scene. I said to the Lord, just “ping” me. He knew what I meant. And funny thing, that’s exactly what God did. Tom reached out on social media.

I am comfortable by myself. I have never been that person that can’t be alone. I actually enjoy the solitude at times. But lonely I had been for several years. It was the newer, softer side of me to need others. During all the hard, I think I had toughened up because it was needed at the time. And I am a bit embarrassed to say, I did make a list of what I was looking for if I were to ever have another God-sent husband. It was really in jest, though. Lord, You couldn’t possibly bring me what I was willing to say “yes” to. The list was long and specific. The bar was high. I quickly shredded it and thought nothing more of it. God surely laughed.

That weekend, everything changed. After the service, we went to lunch. Although a pleasant lunch, the entire time I thought this man is grieving, and I should not be talking to him. No woman needs to be with him right now. It was a sacred moment for him regarding the loss of his beloved of forty-seven years.

At the picnic, I sat at a table under the pavilion with friends from another church that met me there. We had worked together when we lived in Danville back in the day. I commented to them that Pastor was grieving hard. They agreed. I visited with some other church members for a bit, and then left for my hotel.

On my way there, I got a phone call that my grandson was in from Texas at Tom’s kids’ home on the farm property. I turned the car around and spent most of the evening visiting and reminiscing with him and the kids. What a sweet time. I then left for my hotel… again. On my way for the second time, now considerably late, I received a call from Tom inviting me back to join him on his porch for a visit. So, I turned the car around—again.

The rest of the evening we told stories and laughed. It was nice; we enjoyed each other’s company. And since I’d be heading out of town in the morning, we thought we could have breakfast before I got on the road. And so, we did.

He picked me up at my hotel and shared the song Worthy of My Song. The music filled the car, and Jesus felt so very near. We cried together, ate, talked about our marriages, then said goodbye. On my way home I said to the Lord, he is a nice man but grieving hard, I will not be anything more than a friend. It wouldn’t be right.

The next two weeks, we video called every night for hours upon hours. We had so many things in common and looked forward to our next non-dating video call. We both had been in a very similar hard, dark season of time, and yet experienced God’s faithfulness throughout. We shared how new and unfamiliar everything seemed. And how ill-prepared we both felt to navigate it. The companionship, although long distance, was sweet. It felt that I was up the road a bit on the healing journey. It was God’s grace we both were not in the pitch-black darkness at the same time. The calls and texts escalated, and we both looked forward to our nights chatting about everything, nothing and getting to know each other a lot more. He then decided to come to Tennessee to visit for a few days.

When the long-awaited weekend arrived, Tom pulled into my driveway with a huge smile on his face. He shared later he had butterflies turning on to my road. I learned when he goes on a road trip, he is in no hurry at all, the four-hour drive took over six hours! He had preached that morning and was ready to relax and have a nice meal. What happened next, I did not see coming. When he came around the corner into my kitchen, a light was over his head. Tom was actually glowing.  Right then, I heard the Lord say in that still small voice that He is so good at…this is Me. It felt like a marked moment. Still, I was reluctant, mostly because it was way too soon. He likened his life to being in a basement, not seeing the light of day for ages, and that meeting and being with me was like a crack of light streaming through the door. The light caused his eyes to squint but were reminded of the light of day.

Several calls later confirmed my feeling that it was not the time. Nevertheless, the Lord was beginning to repeat Himself and what He was saying was in fact the exact opposite. My coworker and friend/financial advisor in the office would be the next to bring more regarding the church and the man. He said the Lord impressed him that I was the balm of Gilead. What? He proceeded to teach me something I had not known about this type of healing balm; that it is specific to death and grief. I was to be that for Tom. I was to help him through the grief. My friend/coworker had no idea about the Danville/Cornerstone conversation. I knew God was speaking, and although I wasn’t wanting to hear it, I couldn’t un-hear it. Yes, Lord. Turns out, my “list” paled in comparison to what is in my giant of a man. He is humble, good, and kind, spiritual, sensitive and deep, masculine yet soft, and funny. He is perfect for me, and most importantly, God sent.

Fast forward to the 4th of July weekend. Tom’s daughter and son- in-law were playing music at an event in Nashville and Tom invited me to join them. He warned me that he wrote a song that he would sing/say at the event, that was our story…. in front of everyone! Gulp. The song was incredibly heart-felt, and he proposed right before the fireworks went off. I could only say yes. It was absolutely fast; only five weeks after we began talking. He will tell you that after he returned home from our weekend in Tennessee, he inquired of the Lord. The Lord spoke to him and said, “she is my gift to you.” For him, it was settled then. I would be his wife.

Of course, I knew this would be much more than just being a couple. This meant kingdom life, full time ministry. We were presented with the real ask, for which there really was no choice. In all reality, this is about the fulfilling of God’s plan for both of us, I think. My heart beats for the things of God. I have no earthly desire to build anything but the eternal. This is the redemption of promises and restoration of things left undone. There have been several prophetic words over our union prior to and on our wedding date of November 4th, and one very significant word from God since our big day.

God has begun an entirely new season at Cornerstone. In this short eight-month period, we have come to understand that we are being prepared for something much bigger than us. There have been staff changes, some reordering, ministries added, and direction given. But it will be bigger than just one church.

“I am humbled I have been invited to this God story. I am more than excited and expectant. Although the story is unfolding, this I know: I am in the perfect place doing what God has poured into me to do. This is my destiny. This is our promise.”

God has brought more love to our life than we can contain. I had no idea this kind of life existed. Surely this is the beginning of His unfolding promise for me and for my husband, and more importantly, for the kingdom and for others. Our prayer is that we walk worthy of the call (Ephesians 4), to steward and host His presence well. “Yes, Lord” is all we can say. You are worthy of it ALL.

 One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek, all the days of my life to behold the beauty of the Lord and to inquire of His temple. Psalm 27:4

Don't Walk Away

Almost as long as I have been walking with the Lord, I have had a passion to encourage the people of God regarding how to walk through a thing. Concerning the hardest hits in life, worst-case scenario, life altering events and worst nightmare at hand there is great hope, or should I say… will be. The things that literally tear our heart in half and then empty us of everything we knew to be true, leaving a river of tears and pool of blood at our feet, to be dealt with. Those things.

Because if we haven’t gone through anything this life altering, or hard to the point of the possibility of being taken out, then wait longer, because life usually happens. Being battle ready is throughout scripture for such a time.

So can we even walk though a thing and still be standing on the other side? Not only can we, we must. Defeat is not an option. It’s true, in the most extreme issues of life, many would say we are justified to walk away from God. Jobs' friends thought so. The issues were too big, too extreme, too dark. How could he continue? How can we? We might agree that we have every reason; we are justified.

Being a Christ follower is not for the faint of heart. The disciples all suffered awful inhumane deaths, crucified upside down, beheaded, or martyred in some extreme fashion or another.

This type of understanding concerning what it looks like to serve the Lord is foreign in our current culture and generation. It looks differently to most in churches today. I say this with no condemnation but rather asking if we are being equipped for our day of battle?

Revelation 2 and 3 talks about the seven churches, according to each’s strength and weakness accordingly, the Lord brings a rebuke, reproach, and or affirmation and then instructs each to overcome.

Overcome? We don’t hear a whole lot regarding overcoming and what that looks like or when to apply it maybe. It means to beat or win, to conquer, to defeat, to master, prevail, subdue, or triumph. It means that when the dust settles and time passes, we are still standing. We are not the same person, but we not only remain but move forward in wholeness, healing and peace. And continue our purpose in God. 

I see many saints lying on the side of the road. They began a good journey but then for one hard, sad reason or another they didn’t make it out of the season which sidelined them. They lost their song. They stopped their dance. They remain unhealed, disillusioned, heartbroken, maybe even full of anger and bitterness. They have not allowed the Healer to heal or the Restorer to restore.

The off ramp we took and the decision over time not to re-engage gives the enemy the win. Our call remains, our identity has not changed. He will give us the strength needed to even get back up. He meets us there.  He wants to mend every part of our issue, brokenness and disappointment. Everything that went wrong, God wants to make right. Not the same, but a new right. God will refresh, restore and reset us. I know this to be true. He makes all things beautiful in His time. It’s who He is.  

Don’t walk away. 

The Dance

The rub of mankind really comes down to the realization that our greatest need is not something we can provide for ourselves. Those things most respected by our culture since the beginning of time yet will not complete our deepest longing. Things like achievements, successes, position, title and wealth do not begin to address the hole in our heart that our creator designed in us. But we do not see it as that.  Why would we, we do not see our need. We’ve got this.

Whatever our self-sufficiency looks like, it’s usually the thing that keeps us running, resisting, hiding, wandering and eventual bumping in to our Maker.

Picture our Lord setting up camp on our front steps. Like a good friend waits while we get ready. Even more so, He is ever patient with us. Day in and day out, year in and year out, He is there, just waiting. And maybe He will say something, one day while we are rushing out the door. Something that makes us pause, something that captures our attention, even pierces our heart.

But no, we continue on our own way. Building our life. Because yeah, we are the smartest guy in the room, in line to become partner, or the most celebrated celebrity around. It feels really good. But even if outwardly humble, God sees our pride. It really covers everything that keeps us from coming to Him. Because in reality we have nothing, and are nothing apart from Him. But we don’t get it, still.

The sacrificial blood of His Son is thee only thing that brings us to the table. The very place where nothing that we have, got us there. That seat at His table. The one that sits empty waiting until we finally come to the end of ourself.

So now we are beginning to see that the best version of us is not us, it’s Christ in us. We begin to pay attention to His beckoning. Even respond to the music, and His invitation to the dance.

His love is so great, His intended life for us is so sweet and yet words fall short to express it. Paint on the artist canvas can’t capture it. The most beautiful sunset is only a faint rendering of the depth and breath and width of who He really is and what He has. It will take a lifetime to discover this Jesus. The unfolding adventure awaits and the music is playing…

Beauty for Ashes

Our Story

My husband of 40 years was one of the most loving and caring people I have ever known or met. Born and raised in New Orleans, he loved people. And although his job took him out of Louisiana midlife, you could not mistake his accent or his roots.

He taught me by example the most important things in life. It was on our first get together that he literally asked me Do you know my friend Jesus? His words struck my heart to such a measure, my life has never been the same. It was my husband who mentored and discipled me. From there, quite a few of my family also came to and still walk with the Lord. He had a zeal to share His King with all.

Lloyd didn’t care much about earthly wealth; he was not drawn to the superficial. There were no facades, pretense or filters. Not a polished man, just himself, rough edges and all. But if you’d seen his heart, you loved him. And if you really knew him it is a gift. He adored me and told me so a million times a day in a million ways.

Not big on holiday giving, but walking through a mall was a problem because we almost always got in a tiff over him going in to a jewelry store to buy me yet another special something. I would try to steer him away but he would usually win. I literally have a drawer full of jewelry still in the box, now what a treasure.

What was most important to him is that his 3 children knew that he loved them. He was their biggest fan and greatest supporter. He was so proud of each one. As well, our 13 grands and now 2 great grands.

Also, that he was a good husband. Because to him it was those two things that was evidence of a truly blessed life. It was something he wanted to know when he met you.  If you had a special someone, if so, why you weren’t married.  And if you were married how many children you have.  And if you have children, why you didn’t have more. Heaven help you if you were single or just dating.

In February 2014 Lloyd had bypass surgery. He was under anesthesia for an extended period, which we felt to be the triggering event of dementia for him.

His surgery had been rescheduled several times, then finally happened and he was released on Valentine’s Day. Leaving the hospital like they have you do in a wheel chair; he was to hug his soft over stuffed red heart shaped pillow so as to not tear his stiches if he were to cough or sneeze. Picture it, there we were with the heart pillow due to heart surgery on heart day. It was a marked moment.

At first the memory issue wasn’t that noticeable, but there were things that became a struggle. For his age he was still very active and healthy, physically. He loved working in the yard, playing golf and playing with the grandkids. But things began to change.

Physical things became a frustration, beyond the normal aging process. Repetition in conversation became the norm. Social invitations, small group and the like ended. Life began changing for both of us in a big way.

I attended an Alz support group meeting at the YMCA and cried myself to sleep that night. What was said at the meeting was anything but supportive or encouraging. Thankfully the Lord had something to say about it as well. That night I had a dream. In the dream the Lord was addressing my fear. He said “Stop acting like a harlot, I AM your husband.” In other words, He would take care of us. He was letting us know that He had us.

Soon after, his primary care physician told us what I thought was going on and prescribed the normal Alz medication that would at best slow it down. And he took it for about 2-years. I was believing for a miracle healing and at the same time thought surely there had to be another answer.

I then became a student of natural remedies concerning dementia (I have always leaned toward natural remedies to address health issues) complete with a program to reverse the cognitive decline titled Awakening from Alzheimer’s.

It may have done some good, we will never know for sure. My beloved was never a fan of supplements and it was a battle to get him to take even 1 pill let alone a complete regimen with brain specific nutrient smoothies and lifestyle changes.

Don’t get me wrong we have always eaten healthy and been active. He was a runner in his early years and avid golfer throughout the majority of his life. He could outwork a 30-year-old given any situation. He didn’t have an off switch when it came to activity but he just wasn’t up for the task at this stage in the game. Perhaps just too little too late.

By the way, I do highly recommend the Awakening from Alzheimer’s program.  It is 12 top MDs and PhDs in the field of Neurology with decades of experience weighing in on keys to combat, even reverse this awful disease. Each one offers preventative aspects as well as help to counteract early (and even late) onset Dementia. Because according to them you may have the genetic make-up but you do not have to turn the gene on, it’s all about health and lifestyle. And many in late stages have had turn arounds. Evidently it can be done. Traditional medicine wouldn’t tell you that but there are impressive results on record.

More fear rose up and the Lord had to set me straight yet… again. Like in any hard season we walk through, we need to be reminded. We have no idea what amount of trust we possess until it’s truly tested. He was in fact proving Himself, in that He has been there at every turn.

Though the hope of a healing this side of heaven grew dim, and the circumstances changed for the worse, God felt ever present. There was a supernatural grace on our life. He has literally been the footprints in the sand. He truly carried us, and I don’t think I had really realized it at the time.

The diagnosis came in February of 2020 from a local neurologist. The future looked anything but bright. Each day was like a week, a week like a month and a month like a year in progression.

April of 2021, I attended an Alz support group meeting in our neighborhood. I felt I was in the right place at the right time. There were 12 of us in a circle. All of those in attendance had said goodbye to their spouse or loved one 2-3 years prior. I thought and you are still coming to these meetings? Each one understood the journey and spoke to my story. They came for me. For us. I was able to exhale.

They recommended I speak with the local Hospice. So, that day I called, with intention to hopefully get information, but hung up in tears. After a long conversation Hospice said he was in late stages and that my husband was ready for them. What? Ready for them, what does that even mean? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The appointment the next day confirmed his stage. They gave him 6 months. Now of course no one but God has the day of our promotion to heaven in His plan but it’s what they do. They have a good handle on understanding what comes next.

Let me say I will likely be an advocate for those walking through the exit of a spouse to this disease. It had been hard to find real answers and support. I am not talking about family and friends. I am talking about agencies and groups in the field. Countless contacts advertised and referred. No call backs. Not one. Crickets.

Maybe I needed to walk this path alone. Maybe it was part of the heart conversation God seemed to start back at the first. Maybe I needed to know the journey for which I am forever changed. Maybe I needed to walk through the 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, depression, anger and finally acceptance.

Maybe I will be able to be an advocate one day, and walk through the darkest longest night with another and tell them the ripping apart of the life they knew and loved will never be the same, but will in time be ok. That the dreams they had of growing old together wasn’t going to happen, yet God has them. It’s a long road from the ripping to the knowing but there is an eventual end and dawning of a new day.

Now I am thankful, for His faithfulness, His mercy, His goodness, His presence and His great love. Not because the outcome was my choosing. No one would choose this for their loved one. But because my Savior lives. And I will spend my days telling of His greatness. He is bigger than any problem, heart break, devastation or loss. Because His name is Peace. And He is sovereign. We won’t know the reasons why things turn out like they do but somehow someway our story will speak. Because that is my God.

My focus was to be even more intentional in serving my husband well, to the end. I am thankful he was able to stay in our home and that I got to be his main care giver, not someone who didn’t know him. Not in an unfamiliar place. I must say he was the most loving, kind and gentle person to take care of. He always always had a smile. He’d lay his hand on your arm or side, when close to him. As if he was saying thank you for taking care of me. I will treasure that forever.

I think it was at about 6 months prior to his passing, I felt like I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t do this anymore. Picture a battle field with smoldering heaps of remains, I felt covered in sot from the fight, lying face down on the ground. Each day I gave all I had but it seemed to be to no avail. It was like I slid down a dark hole. I was at the bottom.

And then I heard…. from the Lord…. He said My strength doesn’ t begin until yours ends.  It was an icy cold drink of the most refreshing water I had ever tasted. I understood what God really means by when we are weak then we are made strong. The light came back on. Somehow my fight had turned to my own best effort.  I released it all, once more.  I felt a new grace on the journey. I could run again.

August 1st 2022 my husband took a turn and the Lord gave me a big heads up that he was on the clock so to speak. I knew his journey was nearing the finish line. He had run his race. Each day we had together became even more special.

At the very end we had many special moments. Although he had no words, occasionally he had a full sentence. Each time, it was like heaven opened.  It meant so much. I’ll never forget what he said. He gave the best hugs and I’d try to dance with him (because he LOVED to dance), although he had almost no mobility the last 6 months. His face would light up.

October 16th 2022 my beloved stopped eating and drinking, the next day Hospice said it would be 2 weeks at most, but I thought it would be less. I reached out to the kids and 2 of the 3 were able to fly in and we were together at his bedside telling stories as he left this earth 5 days later.

The only reason one of the kids couldn’t come for his last few days was because he and his wife were having one of our grands. It was as it was supposed to be. In fact. our new grandson was born the day before his Papaw left for heaven. Within a week, God really showed off and we became the great grandparents of 2 great granddaughters.

His Hospice nurse that went through the entire time (what ended up to be a year and a half) with us, was truly wonderful, in fact, a gift. She was exactly what my husband needed. And his CNA God sent for me. She helped me navigate it all. She is also family now. We laughed and cried together many times. They were both God sent.

My husband would be more than proud of our family. They were amazing. The 3 kids and spouses (although long distance) brought so much love and support. We stayed united through every decision, we made together. Through many visits and calls. In addition, our grands and my 3 amazing sisters and their spouses, my aunt & uncle (more like my parents) and others literally held up my arms through it to his last breath. God’s presence was tangible. All the prayers of friends were felt and so very appreciated. God said He would take care of us and in fact He did that and so much more.

I learned so many truths and life lessons along the way. Too many to recount here. But know that no matter what we go through in life, if we allow God to take us through, He will make beauty for ashes….

Don't Miss the Gift

Sometimes it really does take a Goliath to bring out the David in us.  Perhaps the thing we have had to walk through that we were sure would destroy us (grief, loss, heartbreak, betrayal, illness, abandonment, divorce, financial ruin) is the very thing that will make us.

I used to think one could be victorious without actually having to go through a thing. But then what would be the point? The commanding officer does not win the battle from the front porch, if so, the victory would not be his. To overcome is to know the taste, smell and feel of the deepest darkest pit and yet not carry the stench of smoke. The blood, sweat and tears are what makes it real and forever changes our very core. This is His glory.

A friend said recently that she knows she has grown to a measure over the years, but some things in her that still remain, major heart issues, attitudes, even strongholds she cannot seem to shake loose of.  She has not understood why these things have not changed. I told her that some things we ourselves cannot change. Only God Himself can do that work, and it is usually through the really tough stuff of life.

Joseph was not promoted to the palace until fully embracing the pit.  Goliath was not David’s first rodeo. His divine appointment win at the forefront of the Philistine confrontation happened only because he had spent considerable time on the backside of the desert, where he was made.

Everything we go through is measured, because God looks at the heart. David said Thy Word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against Thee. Psalm 119:11 What is that really saying? His Word, His ways, His truth, His character, His life is so ingrained in our heart that it causes us to respond to the issues of life through that lens. But it does not happen naturally. Psalm 119: 67 Before I was afflicted, I went astray but now I keep your Word. Psalm 119: 71 It is good for me that I have been afflicted That I may learn Your statutes.

Affliction, correction, suffering and brokenness is not a popular topic, and little talked about, but a principal woven throughout scripture. We know we are His by His discipline, His dealing, Prov 3:11. He tells us to fall on the Rock or the Rock will fall on us Matt 21: 44 (meaning by stumbling onto the rock of truth we shall be broken, but those it falls onto will be scattered to dust). We are to lose our life to gain His, Matt 10:39. Sanctification is the process of crucifixion of our flesh or removal of self. You get the point. These things produce God intended outcomes, IF we allow.

Issues such as pride, arrogance, anger, fear, control, holding grudges, hurt and offense are but a few of the big ones that take the Master to make right. Sometimes we do not even know it is there in us. We can become embittered over issues of hurt and offense or we can allow the Lord to deal with us. As we wrestle it out and overcome, the very thing that tried to hold us captive can be the thing used for His purposes.

Long before offense was a major topic in our culture, before it was a thing, I would often say we have multiple opportunities daily to be offended, it is a choice. Harboring offense actually only harms us. It eats at us and robs us of peace and joy. Often the offender does not even realize that we feel like we have been punched in the gut so to speak. We are not getting back at them by hanging on to offense, it is actually self-destructive. On the other hand, true love is so innocent it does not even know when it is offended, is not provoked, and thinks no evil 1 Cor 13.

From the greatest life changing issue or loss, to the least, God wants to do such a deep thing in us that it literally changes who we are. Whatever hard thing is pressing you right now, allow His good work to remove areas that don’t need to remain. This work IS in fact… a gift. Don’t miss it.

Your Unique Expression

I had a dream over 2 years ago that best paints a picture of the sentiments I am about to share.  In the dream was the house in our neighborhood where we currently reside. This dream was about a year prior to the purchase of said house. On either side were elderly neighbors sitting in their yard, in lawn chairs, asleep.  They had nodded off. There were other key elements in the dream, but I knew the Lord was letting us know the season we were about to enter and our part in it.

It made me think of Jesus rebuking the disciples that slept through the late hour and the dire need leading up to His crucifixion. This issue is nothing new.  

Understand, I did not take the dream to be talking about merely senior in age, rather maturity in the issues of the Lord: Those who have journeyed with Him over a span of time, that possess unusual sage wisdom, authentic humility, death to the flesh man and knowing His voice.

If ever there was a cry from the heart of God for His beloved Church to wake up and rise up into her fullness, it is now.  In the coming greater persecution, there will no doubt be even more of a dividing line between those that emulate a form of Him and the beckoning of His beloved covenant Bride to take her place.

The truth is, the believer will find no greater fulfillment than to function in the complete totality of the gifts that the grace of God has placed in each one of us.  That is why God created us. Deep within the heart and soul of mankind, is a desire to that end.  It’s etched in our DNA by design. Psalm 139 & Ephesians 4.

It thoroughly astounds me that there are basically only 3 eye colors, a handful of hair shades and fewer skin types, yet in the approximately 8 billion people on this planet there is no other person absolutely identical to, or with the same fingerprint as you or I. That significant fact speaks volumes regarding who we are to God. That realization asks an important life question: What then?

In society today we have a younger generation that is all about business for a cause, showing up in support of a friend, community, likened to the military, leaving no one behind. They get it.  Just one piece is lacking though, the origination of their passion, or the Who in their why.  But God in His infinite love for us, will never stop giving opportunity to enlighten us, and brings understanding with intention of drawing Himself to us, if we will allow.

That unique expression of who you are in Christ varies in each season and station in life, but we can be fully awake, alive and even thrive, in our normal, day to day. As we awake and arise to life in all of its fullness, let us not forget that Christ let us know exactly what He thinks of our worth and value…….He paid the highest price for it.

Here is a poem that conveys more of His great love for you. God bless you.

His Masterpiece

I am thankful for the flowers

Each one a different kind

He often points them out to me

If not, I would be blind.

The tulip and geranium

The daisy and the rose

Illuminating artistry

Simple yet so bold.

Intricate and awesome

Speaking of His grace

Are the wonders of creation

That time cannot erase.

Massive oceans and vast mountains

Painted sunsets for us to share

All point to the Master

But none can quite compare.

In His eloquent expression

Majestic and true

Lies the greatest of all artwork

That masterpiece is you.

Leaning In

That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Philippians 3:10

I have been pondering that I may know Him… walking with the Lord.  In focusing on knowing Him I began thinking about how He initiates relationship and begins the conversation. Of course, we have His Word and that alone would be enough but He desires more, and it is personal. To me, the Lord isn’t one to speak in a normal voice. Many times, it’s more like whispering which requires leaning in closer.  Little nudges, a sensing, a heaviness, a thought, a song, a person on our heart, or something in creation, to name a few. Things not on our radar. Perhaps that alone indicates something supernatural is at hand. He starts the dialog. And if we will pay attention, it is usually something for us to glean from, pray for or act upon.  

I especially cherish when God starts the dialog. Recently my beloved mother passed on to glory, in fact just 2 weeks ago now.  The unfolding story of my family is nothing short of a picture of the redemption and restoration of God. A people on a sure path to destruction, broken and in need of God who in his mercy, grace and goodness interrupted our life with His. One by one like domino’s we began to turn to Him. It began by simply saying yes to His covenant which is available to all.

What started my pondering of this subject was in grieving the passing of my mother prior to any real changes in her health. Mom had declined significantly throughout last year but no real signs that it was time. In fact, medical people thought we probably had time. Without being cognizant of it at first though, either in driving to work or going about my day I had these overwhelming waves of heavy grieving regarding the loss of her. I soon realized I was saying goodbye to her in my spirit and that the time must be drawing near. The Lord was giving a heads up. Sure enough, I got the call of her transitioning and by then, the deep grieving had lifted and I made plans to be with her. Just 2-weeks later she would depart for heaven by way of the angels… but let me explain.

On my 8-hour drive down to see Mom, I kept hearing in my spirit over and over and over The angels are coming… the angels are coming.... the angels are coming. When I arrived, there was a heavy presence of God for which all I could do was praise and thank Him concerning all He was doing. The entire weekend has so impacted me, I know now I am forever changed. I was quite aware of the Father Himself moving in and through Mom’s sister and brother in-law, to a measure unlike I have ever known in my life. The servants heart care that was given to Mom was the Father God Himself. In some way I felt I had seen a glimpse heaven. The angels had truly taken up residence in preparation of ushering this precious one home.

After settling in, God decided to continue the communication just in case I was not getting it. He used a book of my aunt’s that I happened to pick up titled Secrets of the Vine. The page I opened to was speaking to me regarding the very moment that was playing out before me and the point of this message. It starts out “Have you ever been with someone very close to you who is about to die, someone who loves you and wants to leave you with a final word?” “Come closer.”  You lean close, straining to hear. “I want to tell you something. I’ve waited till now….but I can’t wait any longer.”

The Spirit of the Living God desires to converse with us just like it says He did with Adam in the garden. He wants to walk with us and talk with us. He has things to tell us, beauty to show us, life to give us, that is what a Covenant relationship is, but He needs us to lean in close in order to hear. That realm that can’t truly be conveyed in earthly human means or measures, is likened to an artist’s paint brush that endeavors to replicate heaven. As penned in 1 Cor 13 is as looking through a glass dimly.

More than anything He desires intimacy with us. He is always beckoning, conversing, always speaking. He is the initiator, and our response to our Maker’s pursuit is likened to a husband for his bride. Though he loves us when we are afar off, His purpose is to overshadow us to where passionate intimacy converges and brings forth holy habitation. The life then becomes the dance of two lovers.

A life consumed, fully wrecked for nothing short of His Glory is the only existence we will be fulfilled by, because it is what we are made for. It’s where the impossible becomes possible, captives are set free, blind eyes see, healing is released, human limitations are removed, every yoke is broken, heavy burdens are made light, battles become triumphant, and darkness turns to light.

Are you leaning in?

The Boss of All

As long as I live I do not think I will ever forget the precious conversation I had with my grandson Samuel some time last year. We were in the car, just he and I, he was 4 then. We were driving down the road and all of a sudden I hear from the back seat “Nana,…. (long pause) is God the Boss of ALL?” So pronounced was Boss of ALL! Like he had not only really thought this through but, he earnestly needed to know.

Now, I have to say even prior to his 3rd birthday he thought he was in charge! On his recent 5th birthday he announced he was in fact now the boss! I love it! Of course, being the first born will automatically give one opportunity to be the leader; after all it is a blessing and birthright. But for him, it is his job. It is who he is. I could tell this was an important issue.

I did not hesitate to responded with “Oh yes Samuel, God is absolutely the BOSS OF ALL!  A moment had not passed and he followed up with “Nana… (another long pause), how did Jesus REALLY walk on the water?” I replied, “Well Samuel you know how all of your super heroes can do supernatural things with super human power? Like fly and take out bad guys with a single act? He nodded. I continued, “Well Jesus is like that, only it is really real!” He did not say another word, but I could see in his big eyes in the rear-view mirror, he got it.

So, what does God being the boss of all have to do with Jesus walking on water? Funny you should ask! In John chapter 8 Jesus has a long conversation with the Pharisees regarding who He REALLY is. The argument started with Jesus forgiving the woman caught in adultery. But they did not get it, did not see it. Jesus said it a number of ways. They tell Him he has a demon.  Back and forth and back and forth. I love the exchange. Jesus finally tells the Jews their father is the devil.

I have been pondering the heart of man and our reoccurring desire to take back control. I mean let’s be honest. Certainly, it is not once and for all. Do we ever come to a place though, where we are free from our self and end our bent to build a golden calf? You know, to make something happen? The children in the wilderness knew well what it was like to wait on the manifestation of God, literally to no avail, or at least for the majority.  Is that our fear? That we will die in the wilderness without seeing our promised land?

I have noticed a season of settling, in our pursuit to the fullness of God. Coming into understanding of our identity are we now OVER allowing God to raise up the true plan, purpose and fulfill the promise therein? In other words, have we come so far as to have overcome much, know our authority, gifts and calling, yet not willing for our Isaac to be sacrificed?

The disobedience in the garden (Gen 3) was all about choosing who will rule. Because we do get to choose. It was a test for which He gave the answer even before the question. The issue has not changed. In the heart of every son or daughter, it is still being debated.

Eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is that which seems right, looks right, sounds right but will lead to death vs the tree of life which in fact is 100% God, 100% Spirit. He said eat from IT only. The things of the Spirit are enmity to the natural man. Every issue, every answer is directly related to the tree of which we are partaking.

Laying in the altar until He brings the instruction is perhaps harder than birthing yet another Ishmael.  Being in a waiting season or on hold is certainly likened to passing through the fire, even if we have passed this way countless times. Because what is required is nothing short of holy and pure, tried by every fire. It’s a deeper level of crucifixion to our flesh. It is not for the weak of heart.

In waiting on unfulfilled promises, do not give up. Stop squirming and wait longer. The counterfeit will not satisfy in the end. We have come way, way too far to turn back now. Get back up, be still through the wait, and contend until it comes. Right now, it might just seem like a mirage, even still, hope again. Allow Him to break your heart anew. One day when we stand before Him and He recounts what He had for us in the earth, we want it to be that in fact He was the Boss of All…..

Just Buy the Donkey

I wonder what it would have been like to have been the owner of the donkey that was used for the Triumphal Entry. Can you imagine?  Here the Lord is about to enter into Jerusalem where He will be mocked, spat on, beaten and hung on the cross. Those closest to Him have been told several times this would transpire but they have not grasped any of it as of yet. And before Jesus arrives at the city gate, He tells two of His disciples to go over to the next village and get the donkey that is tied.

I can’t help but think about the owner. What if the donkey had not even been purchased, nor at the appointed place at the appointed time? Track with me here concerning what leads up to, the unfolding and completion of a significant God moment in a life.  A visitation. His leading usually begins with a whisper. Those of us dull of hearing like myself need to be told several times.  Then, if we are honest, require at least some understanding before we are willing to say “Yes.” 

I think where we get tripped up, is in who or in this case what God chooses to use. Could it be that the undignified, least likely, unqualified, seemingly ridiculous or socially unacceptable messes with our ‘need to conform’ mind set?

I love the surprise element in the way He does what He does. It’s usually the polar opposite of what we are expecting a thing to look like. That’s the awe and wonder of God. He does the miraculous out of the most unthinkable. I think it’s His favorite strategy because if we could think it up it would be to our credit, and God will share His glory with no man.

But our heart is turned toward Him so we step out and buy the donkey. Against all common sense, any real understanding or being all in.  It costs everything perhaps and over time becomes an all-consuming focus, even our very livelihood. We learn to trust more, continue on, business as usual. It becomes our new norm.

Then suddenly, it’s being required.  In Mark 11 The Lord tells His disciples in getting the thing “And if anyone says to you, ‘Why are you doing this’ say “The Lord has need of it.”

There really is no choice when we are the Lords.  If we insist on resisting what He is requiring, or setting up camp in resistance mode , we will die. If we choose to remain, stagnant life ensues.  True relationship with the Father is life giving.  It will mess with us to our core if we have areas we are not willing to let go of. To come into the fullness of His will does in fact challenge the status quo or say it another way, oppose current culture. To me I picture standing on the edge of the highest cliff with arms stretched out wide, positioned to free fall, without harness nor safety gear, yet fully trusting.

What is it He has put in you that He is asking of you right now?  No one else can fulfill what He brought you here to do at this exact moment in time. Such a time as this. Your specific and unique gifts, calling, promises, purpose, plan and destiny deep within you that you long to see the fulfillment of, are only fulfilled through simple obedience and trust. And for the purpose of the lost and dying world around you.  Allow Him to take it, break it, and use it. He has need of it….

Settled

There is nothing like the presence of the Lord. Nothing can or ever will compare. The anointing breaks the yoke and fills our being with total peace, puts all things into perspective, reminds us that He alone is ruler of our universe, and leaves us wanting more, but knowing that we can start…or start again.

What if we are in that place on our journey though, where we cannot even recall the last time He truly showed up? And the dry desert wilderness is what we have grown most familiar with?  In Luke 2 Mary and Joseph had to back track to see what Jesus was doing. I am sure if we have walked any distance with the Lord, we know this one well.  We can’t figure out when He seemed to stop communicating with us but suddenly realize He told us something a ways back that we were not really willing to hear. So in revisiting the last thing He spoke, we acknowledge that the Lord was indeed conversing, or trying to. Perhaps it was just that we weren’t really listening, or responding. And like the boy Jesus it’s almost as if He whispers “Well how did you not know?”

That’s easy, it’s like this Lord, I am human, fleshly, rebellious, disobedient, stubborn, unbelieving and I think I have a better idea, so at times, I take matters into my own hands. There are at least one hundred scenarios for how we have lost our way, took a wrong turn or set up camp in the median as we attempted to cross to the other side. This is all part of the journey. The key is that it not become a destination.

The real question is though, has it been settled in our heart of hearts? It is, when all of our wrestling has ceased. At the core of every man there is a fight as to who is going to sit on the throne. And that question gets answered when all of our trust issues have been resolved once and for all, we know that we know we are His and it is well with our soul.

I tell my husband all the time that he saved me. He just laughs. I guess the better choice of words would be that he rescued me. Our story is Hosea and Gomer. I was on a path to self-destruction, ran away at age 16 and never returned home. Went from one bad choice to another and another. Looking for love in all the wrong places, hell bent on a search that required an extreme love that would set me free. And love indeed presented itself.  But not the superficial Valentines love. Our first meeting was “Do you know my friend Jesus?”

From there it was a God encounter church service and my journey began. In reality it was the first 5-7 years of our marriage that my husband prayed for me, tried to disciple me and loved me so unconditionally that it melted my hard heart. I was not easy to love, independent, and full of rejection. I am not sure where the battle ended and the embrace began but it was in response to a true Father Heart love. My husband adores the depth of my being and God used it to settle all the wrestle, hurt and pain. Healed it all, and God’s love through a man is why I am who I am today. That is why I say Hosea and Gomer.

Don’t miss the point. It’s not about my story. It is how powerful the love of God is. It heals all, covers all and it is for all.

Are you enroute or is it already settled in you? The purpose for our journey to wholeness is in the jewels he makes out of the ruins. He has need of all of it.

But we’ll get to that….

My Journey, His Trophy

As long as I can remember I have been compelled by the things of God. The Spirit of God has always been there drawing me.

Growing up, it was normal to feel alone. In a crowded room of family and friends, were many years of deep longing I did not understand. For me, going through the motions of the everyday normal brought only a greater void of any real purpose. Perhaps it was for a reason. Perhaps that is where His beckoning began. Deep crying out to deep. Years later but what seemed like suddenly one day there arose a Light in the darkness. And something likened to a Road to Damascus experience at age 22, the Lord descended on my life and I have never been the same.

It was as if the morning fog lifted. Things became clearer and the Spirit world became more comfortable to me than this natural realm. Then over time on a journey of unfolding adventure, I went from Savior to Lordship in relationship. The distance between the two sphere’s is significant. No matter where you are on your journey there will be a day of revelation of the fullness. Or what I call "the more," but we’ll get to that later. 

Fast forward 35 years. My journey is His trophy. Not because it made sense, in fact it is far from logical. Following the true leading of the Lord is not what one would think. His ways are far above ours. I do not apologize for any of it. I have no regrets and I would not trade my story for any other. It is mine. It is where I truly met Him, and grew to love Him. And oh to know Him more.

“That image we carry around with us and project, of the perfect version of ourselves is just another thing the Lord has to chisel away in order for us to receive the fullness of His great love for us.”

One of the biggest observations I see in our Western understanding of being in relationship with the Father is that we think for some reason He is only willing to meet the already perfect, and pulled together. You know, because truth be told our life is one big mess therefore there is no way we would be acceptable enough to enter into the throne room. The reality is, we are careful who we allow to know about the depth of our issues. Because most of us are familiar with rejection and we just figure God is the same. Fact is none of us have it together. I love that. That image we carry around with us and project, of the perfect version of ourselves is just another thing the Lord has to chisel away in order for us to receive the fullness of His great love for us. He is so in love with you and me, if only we could catch a glimpse of that in our life, it would transform our world.  

In order to be in covenant with the King of Glory, Ruler of the Universe, Abba Daddy we need only respond to what He has already initiated. Let’s think of it as a response to a marriage proposal. Because that is what it is. Saying yes to the Covenant life. He shows up, says I choose you and we react by allowing Him to come in and be our father, friend, lover, husband. 

This is the most exciting thing to watch. The encounter and then the response of someone coming into the realization of his or her need. Truly allowing Him to come in and make all things new. All things beautiful. Understand beautiful in the dictionary of the Most High is not the easy road. Narrow is the Way and difficult is the way that leads to Life…If we will allow the transformation, are willing to go the distance, and be on the potter’s wheel most of our journey the fruit it produces is rare and a gift to behold.

Beyond authentically understanding that we are His beloved, cherished, adored, apple of His eye, and that He has only good for us, we need only know that there is really nothing in or of us that we have to offer except the gifts He gives us to display to the world. Even that is all Him. We have zero in us that can manifest the Spirit of God. It is supernatural. Total love, totally Him. 

It really is not until we stop thinking we are something, or know anything, or have something to say, that He seems to show up. Because the more we learn the less we know. The more we know Him, the less we remain. So, come with me on the continuation of a journey to Him.... Oh, I assure you I do not have anything to say.... but He... He just might.